My speakers telling me not to panic. My anxiety-inducing coffee does not care

See you around, kidney

3 months ago I found out that my nephew (background, he is my first cousin’s son) needed a kidney transplant. 3 months ago I told him that I will get tested if we are a match… In less than 30 hours, I will be donating one of my kidneys to him.

There were those who immediately understood my decision while others took a bit of time. They would ask “Why” and I would say “Why not”. If I am able to, then there’s no reason for me not to.

Does that mean that I am not afraid. NO. I am scared. I can barely sleep and keep my thoughts together. But does that mean I am having second thoughts? NO.

The more I think about it, the more I realize what my WHY is.

It is simple. Because it is the right thing to do and it is the kind thing to do.

Wouldn’t you want the same thing too? Not just for yourself but for someone you love dearly.

To be completely honest, the hardest part for me is accepting the gratitude. I don’t think it’s right to say “don’t worry about it” or say “it’s no big deal” because the thing is, it is a big deal. But still, I am not an angel or a hero. I don’t think I am. I think being Kuya Pau’s kidney donor is a part of my life map. I am equally as grateful though. Not everyone gets a chance to be 39 years old and healthy enough to give a part of themselves to save someone else. Heck, not everyone gets to be 39 years old.

I am turning 40 in less than a month. I used to hate celebrating my birthday. But this year, I will celebrate. Also the next year, and the next… I will celebrate my life in honor of those who could not but should have.

I am not a fan of the holidays

When I say “the holidays” I am referring to the weeks before Christmas and New Year. This includes my birthday.

Somehow, I feel this extra pressure that I need to be happy all the time. And I just can’t. It’s very difficult to keep myself in a state of happiness or gratitude.

I am not saying I stop being grateful. I still am. Just that the weight on my chest and the constant battle of the voices in my head makes me want to curl into a ball and sleep until the holidays end.

Right now, I am stopping myself from crying. There’s really no particular reason why I want to cry. I am worried. I am sad. I feel alone and at the same time I feel suffocated.

Next year, I want to go away during the holidays. Go to a different country. I think this is the best gift I can give myself.