To Love and Be Loved in Return
*I wrote this several years ago. Just re-posting old stuff since I’m transferring (trying!) my blog here.*
I was a hopeless romantic… Or so I thought.
I would say that when I was younger, I was a hopeless romantic. I was the against-all-odds type of girl. Somehow, that changed. I am not sure how I managed to change or if an experience changed me, what was that experience?
I can still remember those times when I had no pride at all. I would say sorry even if I knew that the fight wasn’t my fault, that I did nothing wrong. Those times when I would call him, and despite how many times he’d reject the call or slam the phone down, I would still call back—again and again… Just to apologize for something that he did.
I would do anything and everything just to make the relationship work. Even if it was causing more pain than happiness, I still wanted it to work. I would cry and cry because of the pain that I was feeling. But most of the time, I would cry because I always felt that there was something wrong with ME. That maybe, I didn’t love him enough. That there was something wrong with the love that I was giving.
Pathetic. I know.
Am I the same? Am I the same pathetic person? I would like to think that I learned from my past. Or did I really?
I still love the best way I know how. I listen not only with my ears but also with my heart. I hang on to every word that comes out of his mouth. I believe him. His words are always final. When he comes home, I always ask how his day was. Not out of obligation but because I want to know how my man’s day went. If he is tired, stressed, happy, confused… I want to make sure that he knows that I am there to share his burden. I would ask if he had food or if he’s hungry. If he wants anything… When he goes to work, I want to make sure that he has everything ready… All these things I do not because I feel obligated but because it makes me happy doing things for him. After all, I love him and I want him to feel that.
That’s just the way I am.
To love and be loved in return… It shouldn’t end there I guess. For the hopeless romantics and for the pride-less. It should be: to love and be loved the same way in return… Wouldn’t it be heaven for all of us romantics and pride-less people? To know that the man you love thinks about you the same way you think about him. To know that whatever he does, he’s doing for you and only you—just like the way you do… That even breathing is only for him…
Yes, I still love the same way. But I will no longer stay in a one-sided relationship. I will no longer love him more than I love myself. His love should be more than enough for the both of us—that his love alone can sustain my love for myself. If not, tough luck. I know better—NOW.
It hurts to say goodbye. It takes some time to get used to sleeping alone. But if he can’t love me the way that I deserve, I will say goodbye… I will move on… I will, someday, find that someone who will love me the way that I want to be loved…