Looking back

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.  ~From the television show The Wonder Years

As much as possible, I want to live in the present. I try. I am not happy to admit this but there are times (a lot of times) when I take myself down memory lane and think about things that were and think about the choices that I have made. What if… What if… What if…

I can think of more than a hundred phrases after the line ‘what if’ but I might go crazy (or crazier than I already am). So I look back and smile… Not always. Sometimes I look back and just feel this void that I can’t explain. I think that’s normal, right? We all (now I’m assuming) look back to a certain point in our lives.  Some good. Some bad. Some, never mind.

Chips and Dents

My not so straight friend: “So, what do you want right now to free yourself?”

Me (yes, ME): “I don’t know… I just want to cry and cry some more until no tears would fall. I want to shout, as loud as I can, until I lose my voice… I want to run, run as far away as I can, until my legs can’t run anymore… Then my heart will break… Then I’ll mend it…. So that he can break it again…”

What can I say? I was young. I was in love. And I got my heart broken. Nothing scientific about it. 

But, no matter how broken I was, I managed to make myself whole again. Whole, but with some chips and dents in some places. 

Still me. Fortunately. Unfortunately.