When I say “the holidays” I am referring to the weeks before Christmas and New Year. This includes my birthday.

Somehow, I feel this extra pressure that I need to be happy all the time. And I just can’t. It’s very difficult to keep myself in a state of happiness or gratitude.

I am not saying I stop being grateful. I still am. Just that the weight on my chest and the constant battle of the voices in my head makes me want to curl into a ball and sleep until the holidays end.

Right now, I am stopping myself from crying. There’s really no particular reason why I want to cry. I am worried. I am sad. I feel alone and at the same time I feel suffocated.

Next year, I want to go away during the holidays. Go to a different country. I think this is the best gift I can give myself.