I have tried a thousand times to put into words how I feel. And a thousand times I failed. This time, I will try harder.

How do I even start this blog when all I can think about is how much we all miss Mickey? We still can’t accept that he died in such a tragic way. He was beaten and stabbed to death by 10 people. 10… If you’ve known Mickey, you would know that he would never hurt a soul. He is the kind of kid who would always think of other people first. The kind of kid who would send you a text message just to ask you how you’re doing. Family first… That was our Mickey. You seldom hear of teenagers who would put their family first…

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Mickey… The thought of you suffering makes my heart break a million times. I keep on praying that while they were hurting you, God was there by your side, taking the pain away. You didn’t even ask for help… So I would like to think that help was already there even before you knew what was happening. When I saw you lying on the metal bed, I couldn’t even talk. I couldn’t believe that it was you lying there. Lifeless. I can’t even fanthom the pain that your Toto Gylone is going through. Your Mommy. Your Daddy. Your Manang. Your Manong Lilli… Mama Deng. Daddy Lolo. Mama Jing. Papa Dod. Manang JnJn. We all miss you. We’re all praying for you. The first thing they thought about was where you were. If someone was with you. If you knew where to go. If you were scared. If it was dark. So we all prayed that your Lolo Arsing was there with you.

On the day that you were scheduled to be returned home, I was so excited for you. I knew that you’d be happy to be home. So Mick, don’t worry. We’re always here for you… Wait for us. We love you our dear Mickey…

Nang Mims

I wanted to write about my experience the moment I gave birth. But I couldn’t. I had to take into consideration that I was still in the hospital. Figures. Then when I finally went home, I thought, “Do I write now? Or do I spend my every waking moment with my daughter?” Well, I guess you know what I chose… My daughter is now 3 weeks old.

And my story goes…

Four weeks ago, my family and I decided that I would have to go home and give birth in Tacloban. We knew that it was going to be extra hard if I stayed in Cebu since my family was one or two islands away. On December 12 (Wednesday), I went to the airport and I was denied passage. So instead of a 30 minute flight to reach home, it took me 5 hours and 30 minutes. Great. By the time I got home, my butt was sore. But it was great to be home… 

Since my doctor couldn’t come to Tacloban for the delivery, I went to another doctor. I went to her clinic on a Friday (December 14) and she told me that I’m going to give birth really soon… I felt it too. My sister then told me that I’ll be giving birth on a Sunday, just like her (by the way, I was born during my sister’s 18^th birthday).

By Saturday night—10pm (December 15), my tummy was already aching (every 7 minutes). I just slept and woke up at 1am. The pain was getting unbearable. I woke up my mom and told her about the pain. She asked if I already wanted to go to the hospital. I said no—maybe in an hour or two. Now, I find it really funny. I was already in labor and I was calm. I didn’t imagine myself to be calm. I imagined a lot of things before I gave birth. Like what will I do when my water breaks, those things and more.

After telling my mom to go back to sleep, I watched TV for a few hours then I took a warm bath. I remembered my sister telling me that she “relieved” herself first before going to the hospital to avoid “messy accidents”… hehe! So I followed her (very sound) advice.

Finally, by 3:30 AM (December 16), my mom drove me to the hospital. I was admitted a few minutes after 4 AM.

Labor. The word says it all. It was really painful. I can’t even describe the pain. I puked because of the pain and because I was really scared. I felt that my mom was scared too. When the doctor asked if I wanted it painless, I didn’t know what to say. In times when I can’t decide, I always say, “I’ll ask my sister (Ate Marol)”. That time, it didn’t help. It was already 5 AM and I was 8-9 CM (dilated). The pain was, uhmm, it was REALLY PAINFUL!!! My mom was getting agitated so I (we) decided to do it painlessly. Wohoo! Injecting the anesthesia (spine) wasn’t really a pleasant experience. It was also painful but bearable.

The pushing was funny. Since I couldn’t feel pain, it was hard for me to push with all my might. I even laughed! After pushing for about 5 times, there she was (December 16, 6:13AM)… Crying her heart out! My sister who was supposed to take pictures was about to cry and wasn’t taking any pictures at all!!! Good thing the anesthesiologist was smart enough to get the camera and take the pictures!

I didn’t say anything when I first saw Bela. I was speechless. Literally.

She’s our blessing… The best Christmas gift ever…

Thank you God. 

34 weeks. I’ve been pregnant for 34 weeks. Wow. Has it really been that long? In about 3 weeks, I can already give birth…

I can still remember the day that I found out that  I was going to have a baby. We were at the beach and I couldn’t bring myself to take a dip because I wasn’t feeling well.  Then my mother-in-law called. I told her I wasn’t feeling too well. She asked me if I was pregnant. I was like “Uhmm… No. I don’t think so. I’m not sure…” When we got home I took the (home) pregnancy test (we have a bunch at home because my sister, who is a nurse, gave me tons of it). The second line was really faint but it was visible. I showed it to my sister and told her not to tell our mom. Shhhesh! And to think that I was already married!

I was not really sure. So, I took another test and it was positive still. I waited for a day or two and took the test again. The second line just got darker. So, off to the doctor I went. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and there “it” was… A sac with a yolk inside… I didn’t understand the doctor when she said that, so I asked my sister (nurse). She said “Congratulations! It means that you’re having a baby”. Wow. I’m going to have a baby!

Then I started to feel the symptoms. The nausea, tender breasts, urinating frequently, and etc.  I wasn’t barfing yet. Then I left for Arizona and started to barf day in and day out. I can still remember barfing inside the restroom and someone knocked on my cube door and asked if I was okay. How sweet… I told her I was fine and it was just the pregnancy. I remember getting soup every morning, before the meeting would start, that Theresa would call me the Soup Lady.  I also remember asking Jun to get me apples from the hotel’s restaurant. I noticed that the apples helped.

It was the longest two weeks of my entire life. I was away from home and I couldn’t eat a full meal without barfing. Thank God I had friends around me who gave me gingersnaps, peppermints, crackers, flowers, and tons of support—that I was able to survive Arizona’s dry heat and Macky’s driving.

We went to Universal Studios and my aunt wouldn’t let me take the rides. Well, she did let me take the Back to the Future ride and I barfed right after. Sweet. I got pizza from Sbaru. I barfed again. Waaahhhh!!!

When I finally got back to the Philippines, it got from bad to very very very bad. I barfed five to seven times a day that I was losing weight!!! I finally had to stop working for several weeks. The hospital was (already) the extension of our house.

Finally, I got back to work, but the “excitement” didn’t stop there! Despite the vitamins that I was (and still am) taking, I was (and still am) a sickly pregnant woman. I had premature contractions and it would happen every 15 to 20 minutes. It scared me to death. The doctor informed me that my baby was still very small. She (greatly) needed to be delivered full term. Or at least, 37 weeks.

34 weeks… 3 more weeks and I can relax—a bit. At least, I know that  if I give birth on the 37^th week, our baby is ‘full term’. I think.

Now I have to think about my maternity leave. My doctor’s been bugging me to go on leave since October.  I might just go on leave next week or by December. I’m not yet sure. I know that I’ll be bored at home. But I also know that I get exhausted at work. *think* *think*

On my 32^nd week, I had the 3D/4D ultrasound. I’ll never forget that day. November 5, 2007. I saw my baby yawn… It was really cute. Good thing it was on video and I get to play it everyday.

I thought that I was excited when I found out that I was pregnant. Now, I know that I’m more than just excited. It’s a feeling that can’t be described. I’m ecstatic and nervous at the same time. I don’t know how I’m going to react the first time I hold or see my baby Bela. I know that it’s going to be another feeling—not like any other… I can’t wait.