My goals for the next 30 days

When I got this as my first topic for my 31-Day Blog Challenge I thought, “Oooo easy one for the first day”. NOT TRUE!!! I live a pretty straightforward life (most of the time) and sometime I get confused between goals and tasks–especially short term ones.


Finish the Jumpstart-to-Skinny routine. Or maybe half? Okay, let’s just delete that as a goal. I doubt I’ll be able to finish it–even halfway. Let’s stick to more realistic ones.

Finish the photo-a-day challenge and also the blog challenge.

I’m out. Seriously. Nothing else. A month is just toooooooo short (lame excuse, right?).

I need to re-think my life.


Auf Wiedersehen 2012

Every time someone would ask me how my life was last year (2012), I answer with one or two of the following phrases:
Fucked up
Not good
Really really bad
Near hellish
etc (along the same lines)

Truth to be told, I might just be exaggerating–but I am not sure. During the start of the year, one of my fraternity brothers told me to be careful because the year of the water dragon is a bad year for us born during the year of the dog. I never believed in Chinese Astrology. I believed in fate and in choices.

Well, I still do. But somehow, a part of me wanted to believe that astrology had something to do with everything that went wrong with my life. But I owe it to myself to admit that everything that happened, I had control over (not all, but some). This is my LIFE. Not a life written by someone else’s beliefs.

Yes it was tough… Losing the company I helped start… Feeling guilty for all the jobs that were lost… Losing one of my best friends… Losing our apartment… Living with Yodawan’s family… Not having a job… Finding out that my aunt has stage 4 breast cancer… Fighting with my mom and knowing what she really thinks of me… My dad adding me in Facebook and after sending one message, deleted his account… Bela being so sick last December… Then my niece going through surgery a week after Bela getting sick… So yeah, it was a little fucked up.

But on the flip side, my Bela is now okay and healthy. My niece is recovering. My first cousin who was diagnosed with cancer had a successful surgery. The best friend who I lost got his happily ever after as well as a healthy baby girl (no, we’re still not friends). My sister from another mother (meaning my bestest best girlfriend) also got her happily ever after… And most importantly, 366 days of life… Not just for me but for my Bela…

To look back and just think about how bad it was would only mean that I learned nothing. It was like that at first. But now I know better. I need to look back and learn from 2012. I am not sure if I am stronger now. Not sure if I am wiser. But after everything that happened and did not happen, life is still good–and it will only get better.

So my dear 2012, auf wiedersehen. Thank you and goodbye. Time to start writing my 2013.

Thoughts about SUICIDE

**Just a reminder, I AM NOT AN EXPERT. And another reminder, this is MY BLOG and I’m publishing MY THOUGHTS. A good discussion is a healthy discussion. A good argument is a healthy argument.

With the recent events around Tony Scott, I had to re-evaluate my to thoughts about suicide. When I was reading about his death, I couldn’t help but read the comments that people were making. Take note that these people who made the comments DO NOT KNOW Tony Scott personally. They might have seen his films and read articles about him but they are not ‘close friends’.

They (the comments) said that he (Tony Scott) is selfish since he’s leaving behind his family and he did not think about them. They said that he is such a ‘sad sad person’. They said that he was wrong and his actions are not justifiable. Some said that it’s ‘understandable’. Some said “Shame on you Tony Scott”.  Comments. Comments. Comments.

Those are just that. Comments. Same with me, I have my comments/thoughts about the subject. FYI, I did not put my comments ON the report/article. Figured I have a blog, might as well use it.

So what drives a person, with a family, to suicide? Loss? Fear? Helplessness? A lot of things will drive a person to suicide… But what stands out (FOR ME) is the feeling of helplessness–that feeling that you can’t move forward. It’s a very sick feeling. I’m pretty sure you’ve felt helpless one or two times in your life–probably more (like myself). But I’m not talking about ‘helplessness’ like seeing a bright red stain on your white pants–not that. That helplessness that feels as if your throat is just about to reach your stomach… I am not sure if I’m describing your feelings correctly, but I’m describing mine. I told you, it’s such a sick feeling.

What makes it worse is the feeling that you can’t talk to anyone about it coz no one will understand you–that no matter how hard you explain, it still won’t be enough. Coz the helplessness that you feel is BEYOND WORDS. Dramatic enough? When we’re watching from the sides, we try to empathize… But it ends up hallow. For you who’s suffering, it’s meaningless.

But do we all think about suicide when we feel that ‘sort’ of helplessness? If I answer that question, I would say no. I think about running away. But unfortunately for some, running away means running away from reality–from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Just like Mr. Tony Scott. What drove him to suicide? Was it that same feeling of helplessness that tormented him night and day?

We will never know.

But what I know is this: when feeling down and helpless, surround yourself with positive people. People who are innately good, not just to you but everyone else. People who love to laugh, but not at the expense of others. People who brings out the best in you.

Pain is pain. It knows no religion, culture, race, gender, sexual preference, age… It knows no bank account, educational attainment, job title… Pain is pain. When we are in DEEP PAIN, we think not about other people. We think about ME ME ME ME. The pain “I’M going through”. Yes, it is selfish. It takes a very strong person not to be selfish in time of deep agony.

You might be confused already about where I stand about suicide. The truth is, I don’t have one. We all have our reasons. But I guess my best answer is this, ‘do what is good’–‘do what is right’. We know what is good, but we don’t always know what is right. Standards.

I’ll leave this hanging. Coz my brain is hanging.

Rest in peace… Not just to Tony Scott, but to everyone who took their own life… And for those who were left behind, be at peace.


***When I was 17, I tried to sleep with no intention of waking up. I am glad that I was saved. I am happy for my lesson.***